Everything I’ve Learned About Love
- shelbyahickman
- 12 minutes ago
- 5 min read
A love letter to my current, past and future self – and everyone else on the internet.
By: Shelby Hickman
Credit: Pinterest
Dear reader,
In my nearly 22 years on Earth, I’ve learned quite a bit about the L word. From my friendships with the most incredible women, to watching my parents find love again after their divorce, to getting my own heart broken a few times (or 10), I’ve pretty much seen it all. Through all of this, I’ve learned a thing or two.
While I am still no expert in the love department, I’ve collected some wisdom and perspective worth sharing:
Someone can be objectively perfect, but that doesn’t mean they are right for you.
I dated this practically “perfect” guy for a few months; he was attractive, employed, nice and funny. The whole package, right? Well, ultimately we didn’t work out since we were heading in separate directions in life. Sure, it was a bummer, but I’m still standing.
Alas, there will be other perfect (and imperfect) people that you will love. Eventually, you will find the right people to love.
“I remember” is more romantic than “I love you.”
This is not an original thought: I stole it from this TikTok, but it resonates all the same. Remembrance is love in action, and it’s been instilled in us for years that actions speak louder than words.
To me, remembering my coffee order and my favorite flower, or proactively skipping a song because you know I don’t like it, means more. (In case anyone was wondering, my go-to is an iced americano with almond milk and I’ve always loved the white gardenia.)
Oh, and please always skip "Dance Monkey" by Tones and I.
Although it may take a wrong turn or two, you should always follow your heart.
Taylor Swift’s “Crazier” from Hannah Montana: The Movie is one of my favorite love songs, but the part of the soundtrack that feels more relevant is actually Miley Cyrus’s “You’ll Always Find Your Way Back Home.”
In the movie, the last place Miley wants to be is her hometown of Crowley Corners, Tennessee, after a few Hollywood debacles, but through reconnecting with her roots, she finds her way back to herself. She stumbles along the way, getting caught in the chaos of her Hannah/Miley double life and hurting those closest to her, but in the end she follows heart and makes amends.
In love and in life, it is important to trust your gut and your heart. It may not make sense at the time, but things have a funny way of working out.
Van Gogh said it best, “What is done in love, is done well.”
As a writer, I do my best work when I love my subject. I have my best workouts on back day because it's my favorite muscle group, and I cook my best meals when I’m cooking for the people I love.
I think when you go into something you don’t truly enjoy, you don’t perform your best. Whether it's a degree program, a job or even just going out to lunch at a restaurant you don’t really like, having a negative perception going into something will never end well.
It is okay to love some people at a distance.
I have a friend I’ve grown apart from (which is totally normal and okay!), so she definitely won’t read this. In case you are though, hi! I will always have love for you and hope you’re doing well!
I bring this up because we will likely never be friends again and that is okay. And while our friendship didn’t end on the best terms, there is no animosity. Like in romantic relationships, there doesn’t have to be something wrong with the other person for them not to be right for you. As I said earlier, your partner could be the most perfect person in the world, but that does not always make them perfect for you.
It does not have to make sense to everyone else.
This doesn’t mean I’m condoning telling your friends that you don't understand why they hate your manipulative and evil boyfriend. Girl, deep down, you know why they hate him. What I mean is that you shouldn’t have to justify your choices in your relationship to others; it's a partner assignment, not a group project.
One of my favorite quotes that has always stuck with me is “You like because and you love despite” from the movie “Set it Up” (arguably one of the best romcoms of the 2010s). Your “because” might be someone else’s “despite.” Guess what? That is completely okay.
The most harmonious relationship occurs when you can love yourself and someone else at the same time.
I’ve had friendships and relationships crash and burn due to insecurities on both sides. We would project them onto one another, bringing the other down because we had issues with ourselves. While unfair, it’s everyone’s first time living, so it's okay to give each other grace and work on not doing it again.
I believe it takes loving yourself first to love others wholly and truly. Because the truth is: you are stuck with you forever. Your mind and your thoughts will always be there — other people may not.
So take the time, however much you need, to love yourself first.
…
You may recognize this article's title, as it was inspired by Dolly Alderton’s “Everything I Know About Love”, which is one of my all-time favorite reads. Like me, Dolly has learned a lot about love over the years from her many relationships throughout life.
Her biggest takeaway was that everything she knows about love, she's learned from her friendships — how she has changed and grown with them — as she has cultivated them throughout her life.
My experience is not exactly the same as hers, because, no matter how corny it sounds, everyone is unique. What truly matters is that through our experiences, good or bad, we continue to grow and evolve into the best versions of ourselves and find love for both ourselves and others along the way.
On that note, I’ll leave you with my favorite Dolly quote:
“When you’re looking for love and it seems like you might not ever find it, remember you probably have access to an abundance of it already, just not the romantic kind. This kind of love might not kiss you in the rain or propose marriage. But it will listen to you, inspire and restore you. It will hold you when you cry, celebrate when you’re happy, and sing All Saints with you when you’re drunk. You have so much to gain and learn from this kind of love. You can carry it with you forever. Keep it as close to you as you can.”
- Dolly Alderton, “Everything I Know About Love”
XOXO,
Shelby
Shelby Hickman is a fourth year sports and media journalism student with a minor in public relations. She loves romcoms, Philly sports, and her corgi, Cheddar, amongst other things. Although she has learned a lot about love, she is still learning more everyday.