IM TIRED
Election Day has turned into election week, and it feels like it's never going to end. The pre-election fear morphed into election night anxiety and now we’ve slipped into dormancy. There’s nothing else we can do now to try to ensure the removal of the Nazi-Cheeto from office and attempt to save our democracy; all that’s left to do is wait. But, at least there’s lots we can do while we wait for every ballot to be counted.
1) Google election results … again
What’s one more time? You’ve only looked it up 62 times today. But, hey, what if there was a major update in the last five minutes.
2) Look at the dumb shit your uncle is posting on Facebook
Honestly, I run on Facebook rage and iced coffee. It fuels me. But, surprisingly my Magat relatives have been eerily quiet this week — maybe for once realizing they’re on the wrong side of history. (It’s nice to dream, yes?) Yet, there’s always the one uncle or cousin or ex-coworker who just can’t help but post, “STOP THE COUNT!”
Please, nobody tell them.
3) Cry during a zoom class with your camera off
Fifty-minute classes seem so inconsequential as we live through yet another major historical event. Still we must carry on with normal life. Don’t be afraid to turn off your camera and mute yourself for a minute and just let it all out. It’s called self-care.
4) Cry during a zoom class with your camera ON
Another major historical event? Yeah, fuck it, cry with your camera on. There’s no need to hide your rapidly deteriorating mental state from professors and classmates anymore.
5) Masturbate
All we’ve known for the past few weeks is pain. It’s time for us to finally feel some pleasure, and we’re taking this opportunity into our own hands.
6) Drink
Self-explanatory.
7) Celebrate the legalization of recreational weed in Arizona, Montana, New Jersey and South Dakota
The best way to celebrate is to participate.
8) Look at election memes
If we laugh, we’re less likely to cry, right?
9) Tell your friends how close you are to driving to Nevada and helping them count
Like, is there only one singular person counting ballots in Nevada? Do they keep losing count? WHAT IS GOING ON??? (But in all seriousness, Nevada, take your time girl. We’ll still love you no matter what — especially if you go blue.)
10) Watch the Great British Bake Off
Escapism is key this year and what better way to escape the chaos and hysteria of the U.S. election than by submerging yourself in the quaint, peaceful world of the Great British Bake Off. Forget the hell that is America for a minute and be transported to that wholesome tent in Berkshire.
11) Do your nails
The only way we’ll be valuable when they take our rights away is if we are visually appealing to men! Maybe if we’re prettier, we’ll be better handmaids. (IDK how it works I never actually saw the show or read the book; still scared, though.)
12) Google election results
It can’t fucking hurt at this point. We just want it to be over.
Rachel Kutcher is a Staff Writer for Rowdy Magazine. She loves the rain, candles, drinking wine, collecting jars and New Girl's Nick Miller. Her passions include destigmatizing sex, empowering women and sustainability.